


Her Eyes

by Blinded_HP



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Cross-dressing eluded to, F/M, M/M, Mentions of Child Abuse (Mild), Time Travel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-06
Updated: 2014-03-06
Packaged: 2018-01-14 17:49:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,557
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1275463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blinded_HP/pseuds/Blinded_HP
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>To live life is a privilege. To have the opportunity to have two lives is a miracle, one never seen before.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Her Eyes

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for the SnarryGlompfest, Prompt #7: Era: Marauder's Era Preferably, EWE  
> Likes/Kinks: Must you hate me because I have my father's face? Why can't you love me because I have my mother's eyes? (Obviously spoken by Harry to Severus.)  
> I absolutely love time travel Snarry, there are never enough if this genre! Bottom!Harry please! Over protective! Possessive!Snape is also a favourite kink.
> 
> Many many thanks to lygtemanden for all your guidance and support. Many thanks also to my wonderful beta createur_769; for all her support, correcting my numerous mistakes and for patiently waiting and guiding me through it. You are both wonderful and helped me a lot with this fic. I cannot thank you enough! Any remaining mistakes are my own.

A young boy, shoved into a tiny cupboard sniffled as he tried to hold back his tears. His guardians cared very little for his comfort and would many a time go out of their way to make him miserable. It was only at night that the young boy found any peace. For as long as he could remember, the young boy had lived two lives. During the day, he was hard at work for his family, cleaning their house and garden and doing anything else that they asked of him.

At night, though, this young boy became someone else, travelled somewhere else. It all started with a desperate wish by a very young toddler, a baby in many people’s eyes.

When the young boy had been moved from the loving home he had been born to, moved because those who had loved him so much had passed away, he had been placed in the worst home imaginable. In the unconscious mind of this powerful boy, a desperate wish had been answered, a wish to be loved and to feel the same comfort he once had.

Magic of a kind that has never been seen before began their work in granting the boy’s wish. For seven years now, the boy’s wishes had been granted and magic itself promised to continue doing so until the wishes stopped.

Harry, for the boy had learned his name when he started primary school, ‘woke up’ in a very familiar bedroom. The flowery lace curtains peaked out on one side of the heavy purple and pink curtains pulled in front of them. For Harry, there was nothing strange in waking up in this bedroom, in this body. Something that you do and experience almost every single day of your life could never really be seen as strange or unique in your own eyes.

If anyone had known about this phenomenon, however, they would have told Harry just how very unusual it was to go to sleep as one person and wake up as someone else.

Looking around his room, Harry quickly scrambled out of bed, pulled on his night gown and made his way downstairs. His parents, for he loved them as if they were his own, were fast asleep but even if they had been awake, Harry knew they would have done nothing to stop him from getting some milk from the fridge.

His feet hit the cold kitchen tiles and Harry belatedly remembered that he should have put on his slippers. Pushing the uncomfortable feeling of the coldness under his feet away, Harry poured himself a glass of milk and settled at the table.

The only thing he really regretted about this life was that his life as “Harry” was lived during the day time whereas his other life, this life, was lived at night. It was peaceful and quiet and just what he needed after a trying day with the Dursleys but that didn’t mean that he never wished that he could switch those roles. Living this life during the day would be wonderful and Harry had many times envisioned what he would do if ever given the opportunity.

Taking the last sip of his milk, Harry rinsed the glass out and put it on the drying rack. His parents, Jasmine and Trevor would wake up in a few hours and Harry was determined to stay awake until then, just so that he could see them, hug them and share in the love they so freely bestowed on him.

No one, neither they nor the Dursleys had ever realised that something strange was going on in their child’s life. Harry could not be certain if the person whose body he shared also shared his, and woke up every night in his home with the Dursleys, but if they did, Harry felt very sorry for them - having to live through those nights with the Dursleys. He wouldn’t change anything of course, even if he could, for these nights that he was away from the Dursleys were his reprieve, his wishes come true.

Picking up a book from the shelf in the corner, Harry curled himself up on the couch and lost himself in the magical world of Tolkien.

*------------------------------------------------------------*

“I thought you would never wake up!” Harry groggily rubbed his eyes and looked toward the speaker. It was an unfamiliar boy but seeing as Harry once again recognised the pink and purple curtains in his ‘other room’, he did not find it strange. It had happened once before that someone other than his parents was with him when he woke up in his ‘other life’.

Knowing that it would be best to just ‘go with the flow’, Harry asked as calmly as possible. “What happened?”

“What happened? WHAT HAPPENED? Your sister happened! That jealous harpy thought it would be a good idea to see if you really had magical powers and pushed you down the stairs, stating that if you were so powerful you would stop yourself from falling.”

The boy seethed and scowled but Harry was stuck on the ‘magical powers’ part. Apparently, in this body, he had magic – a forbidden word in the Dursley household.

“I told you she would one day go too far. That she would realise we have been telling the truth and that magic is real, Hogwarts is real and that both you and I will be going there this September. Her jealousy knows no bounds! Your parents better keep her away from you until September.”

Harry silently nodded, not knowing what else to do or say. So many thoughts and questions circled in his mind but even as he tried to put some order to it, he could feel the draw of sleep pulling him in. Apparently, the fall down the stairs had taken more out of his current body than he thought and soon he knew no more.

*---------------------------------------------------------------*

The night of Harry’s eleventh birthday brought about many changes. Not only was he magical (in this body too!), but apparently his aunt and uncle had known about it but thought that ignoring it or trying to starve and beat it out of him would stop him from going to Hogwarts.

Hagrid took him to Diagon Alley the next day and Harry was awed by this magical world he had only ever heard of once. Shopping was a new and exciting experience for him and Harry bought as many books as his satchel could handle.

The trip to Madam Malkin’s was a new experience as well but Harry delighted in gaining new clothes. The only other customer, a young blonde boy, kept on chattering about what Hogwarts would be like and the things he loved most. Harry barely got a word in edgewise.

As he settled into bed that night, Harry felt closer than ever to this person he shared his life with - this Lily that unconsciously, unknowingly shared her life with him. They were both magical, both from the ‘muggle world’ and both wanting desperately to find a place to fit in.

*----------------------------------------------------------------*

_First year_

His first year at Hogwarts was fraught with peril. Living his life as Lily during the evenings had become even more of a blessing than ever before. His – or rather her – best friend, Severus, had decided that if they wished to continue their friendship, they had to do so in the evenings. 

Severus had been sorted into Slytherin house whereas Lily was a Gryffindor. Harry wondered how they would keep their friendship going with all the negative feelings between the two houses.

Many times, Harry would ‘wake up’ in Lily’s body but he would have no control, she would be awake herself, conversing with Severus and going on with their conversation without realising that Harry was sharing the experience with her. 

Harry loved to sit back and relax, listening to the two friends talk about school, classes, friends and anything else that they could come up with.

Severus became the first person from Slytherin house that Harry truly saw as a friend. Even though Harry had only once conversed with him while in control of Lily’s body, he felt that he had truly come to know Severus through Lily’s eyes.

After Hagrid had explained his parent’s death and how Harry had come to live with the Dursleys, Harry had come to the rather startling realisation that he was sharing a body with his mother. He had known from the beginning that he was a girl in this other life but it never bothered him. It was slightly disturbing however to find out that this girl was his mother.

He wondered what had become of Severus after his parents’ deaths. Maybe he would find out one day.

‘Waking up’ after his ordeal with the Philosopher’s Stone, Harry found himself in the Gryffindor common room, his – Lily’s, head on one of her books. Sitting up and rubbing the kink out of his neck, Harry looked at the watch on his wrist and saw that it was just after five in the morning. Curfew being from ten to five, Harry packed the books into a neat pile before exiting the common room.

The opportunity to explore Hogwarts in 1971 was too big an opportunity to pass up. He just really hoped that he could get back to the common room before the real Lily woke up…

His wanderings brought him inevitably to the Slytherin section of the dungeons and Harry mentally berated himself for losing track of his surroundings. His experiences with Malfoy and his band of followers had taught him that it would be best to stay away from the house of snakes. The only thing keeping him from bolting in the other direction was the knowledge that Malfoy was very far away, a couple decades to be exact.

Hoping that by lingering he would finally get the opportunity to converse with Severus personally, Harry settled into a routine of walking up and down the corridor, taking the odd turn here and there before returning to his original route – just to make sure that no one saw him lingering.

After an hour of walking mindlessly back and forth, Harry reluctantly conceded that he would not get the opportunity to talk with Severus that day. He would have to return to Gryffindor tower before he woke up in his real body – he did not want Lily to suddenly find herself in a strange corridor with no knowledge of how she got there….

 

*----------------------------------------------------------*

_Second year_

Harry laughed long and hard as Severus explained to him (Lily), how he got his own back against the bastard Sirius Black. Apparently, Black slipped bleaching powder into Severus’ shampoo – Severus suspected that he had roped his brother, Regulus in to do it – and Severus had been left having to walk around with white patches in his hair until he could brew a potion to reverse the effects.

Severus’ revenge had been to put a whitening paste in Black’s tube of toothpaste as well as a cherry red colouring in his mouth wash. The results were quite hideous looking and with Black’s lack of potion skills, he would have quite a hard time fixing the problem.

“You haven’t laughed like that in years, maybe never.” Severus’ soft words brought Harry back to the present and he felt himself go still under the scrutinising gaze of the other boy. Severus had never suspected that the Lily he conversed with during the nights were anything other than ‘his Lily’. Harry did not even have to try very hard in his acting, finding that he was very much like his mother personality wise.

“Don’t ever let anything get you down Lils. Your smiles and laughter could stop a vengeful murderer in his tracks.”

Harry didn’t know how to respond to that and he was fairly certain that Lily would have floundered as well. There was something about Severus that pulled Harry toward the boy. A sadness in his eyes that Harry knew very well from looking into the mirror every morning. Severus was just as lonely and unloved as Harry himself.

“I won’t Severus, I promise. For you, I will always have a smile to spare.”

Severus stared at him for a few more moments before he nodded once and their conversation returned to the amusing topic of what pranks to plan next.

Before leaving Severus that evening, Harry made one final request.

“Severus, could we keep our nightly sessions private? Private in the sense that once the night is over, anything and everything we have said, we never mention again? I really do not want to rehash the difficult parts and a good prank is only great the first time it is done or told.”

Once again, that scrutinising gaze fell on him and Harry schooled his facial expression into one of calm determination.

“Alright Lily. We can take every day as a brand new day and as if it were our last. No dwelling on the past or wishing on the future.”

Giving Severus a bright smile, Harry impulsively leaned in and pressed a kiss to the boy’s cheek. Pulling back, Harry felt his face heat and he gave a soft ‘bye’ before scampering back to Gryffindor tower.

What on earth did he think he was doing? Kissing Severus, Lily’s best friend, while using her body to do so! Oh, he really hoped that between the two of them they didn’t send the poor boy mixed signals!

Harry felt utterly confused and frustrated. He really liked Severus. Ron and Hermione were great but Severus had that sadness that drew Harry in, the bitterness of a difficult childhood that Harry could relate to so well.

Feeling the pull of consciousness, Harry settled himself into Lily’s bed and just as he closed his eyes, his real body woke up and a new day started.

Harry was very glad that he could not always control Lily’s body, for if he had to live day and night without any rest, he was certain that he would die of exhaustion. His body might get some rest – he still didn’t know if Lily actually woke up in his body when he did in hers – for he never felt tired during the day but his mind sometimes felt exhausted, as if it just wanted to shut off for a time period to recharge itself.

After realising that sharing the body of someone else was not exactly ‘normal’, even in the wizarding world, Harry had done some research but could not find anything that could explain his situation. Sometimes he truly felt like the freak his aunt and uncle accused him of being but then he remembered Jasmine, Trevor and Severus and he knew that he would embrace being a freak if it got him more time with them.

*------------------------------------------------------------*

_Third year_

Harry, once again in Lily’s body, turned a corner and came to an abrupt halt. There in front of him was Severus, sporting donkey ears while his opponent had his wand trained on him, hand shaking badly from the slash that Severus had no doubt given in retaliation.

Just as Harry was about to make his presence known and offer Severus his aid, his world came crumbling down around him.

“Now you could truly start baying after Lily and maybe she would finally recognise you for the ass you are, Snape!”

_Snape! Snape…. Snape…. Snape… Snape…_ The word taunted him as it repeated over and over in his mind.

Snape. Severus’ surname was Snape, is Snape. Severus is Snape. Snape is Severus. Harry felt as if a punch had been delivered to his stomach but missed and hit his heart instead.

A choked sound escaped his lips and both boys suddenly looked at him/her, Severus, Snape!, with a look of humiliated fury and James – His own father!, with a look of smug satisfaction.

Turning and running as fast as his legs could carry him, Harry crashed into the Gryffindor common room and rushed up the girls’ staircase – having retained enough of his mental capacity to not go up the boys’ – and landed heavily on his bed before bursting into tears. The damned hormones running through this body were affecting him mentally as well!

What a mess his life had turned into!

*----------------------------------------------------------*

 

_Fourth year_

It had been two months, two weeks and four days since Harry’s last trip into the past. After the shocking realisation that his most hated professor was his (and Lily’s) best friend, Harry had to take a step back and rethink his whole situation. He missed going back into the past, missed his bi-nightly conversations with Severus and he dearly missed the hugs that Jasmine and Trevor so freely gave out.

Sitting with his knees pulled up on his rickety bed, Harry let his head fall back against the wall as he closed his eyes and remembered all the good times spent in his other life.

Severus, his friend and confidant was so different to Snape, the professor, that Harry had a hard time believing they were the same person. He could now see that something must have happened that drastically changed the relationship between Severus and Lily, for why else would he treat her son the way he did?

James, Harry was very sad to admit, was a bully and a brute. Having only seen him the one time, when he had been standing with his wand pointed at Severus and uttering such hateful words, Harry found that he truly did not like James Potter and wondered what his mother ever saw in the boy.

The loneliness and emptiness that Harry felt from the loss of contact with his other life was intensified by Ron’s cruel actions and accusations during the Tri-Wizard Tournament. Harry often found himself aimlessly wandering the dungeon corridors before snapping back to reality and hastily retreating to safer territory.

Nothing had ever happened to a student wandering alone in the dungeons but just the fear of being alone in the enemy territory was enough to scare most people away.

The year started out pretty badly for Harry and it only got worse. He found himself staring at Snape during potions class, trying to see his friend Severus in the face of the older man. The professor caught him staring a few times and would stare right back with a sneer before docking points for ‘twiddling his thumbs’.

The ache he felt over losing his connection with his other life was so bad that after the disastrous Yule Ball, Harry found himself wishing with every beat of his heart to get that connection back. He wanted to see Jasmine and Trevor but most of all, he wanted to see Severus. See for himself that he had not imagined the secret smiles and soft looks in the other boy’s eyes. That Severus truly was capable of more emotions than hate and indifference.

Harry would forever claim that the best Christmas present he ever received was ‘waking up’ in the girls’ dormitory of Hogwarts 1974 on Boxing Day.

Wasting no time in getting out of bed, Harry grabbed Lily’s gown and slippers and tried to pull it on while walking down the stairs to the common room.

The clock read two thirty five in the morning but Harry did not care. He wanted to see Severus and he wanted to see him now!

Halfway to the Slytherin dorms, Harry realised that he did not know the password so even if he did scrounge up enough courage to actually go in, he would not be able to.

With a heavy heart, Harry changed directions to the Astronomy tower.

He was surprised but elated to find Severus brooding in the corner. The boy looked worn and defeated and Harry wondered what happened to put him in such a mood.

“Severus.” Harry called softly, trying desperately to keep his voice calm and to not throw himself at the other boy.

Severus’s head snapped in his direction before a scowl crossed his face.

“What are you doing here Lily? You haven’t come to see me in a week, why the sudden change?”

Harry frowned at the words, wondering what Lily’s reasoning could have been but decided to try and diffuse the situation.

“I couldn’t sleep. I just wanted to clear my head.” Harry wanted to say ‘I’ll leave you alone if you want’, but didn’t think he could bear it if Severus actually wanted him to leave.

Severus did not miss the fact that his second question went unanswered but thankfully he did not press the matter.

Harry gingerly seated himself beside Severus, close but not touching. He wanted to talk to the boy, tell him that he cared for him and would always be there for him but he couldn’t. He was Lily now and anything he did while he was in the past could backfire spectacularly if Severus ever spoke to Lily about the subject again.

He had always been careful to keep their conversations light and not dwell on any topic he considered to be too ‘heavy’. There were things that Harry was certain Severus had only ever once told him – thinking he was Lily – and that the boy would never repeat them, but it was a very difficult thing to manage, these two lives he was juggling. If he did one thing wrong, he might change the course of history to such an extent that his present life would be drastically different.

The two sat in silence for the rest of the night and as Harry’s eyes grew heavy, he let his head fall sideways onto Severus’ shoulder. He would rest a bit, close his eyes and bask in the feeling of being so close to Severus, but he would not fall asleep. He would return to Lily’s bed in about an hour so that she could once again wake up, non-the-wiser to her night time wanderings.

Severus’ arm slipped around his shoulder and Harry’s breath hitched at the unexpected feeling that swelled inside him. Breathing in the scent of potions ingredients and the underlying musky smell that was all Severus, Harry committed it all to memory, knowing that such an opportunity was highly unlikely to come along again.

*---------------------------------------------------------------*

_Fifth year_

When Harry was first told that he would have to take Occlumency lessons from Snape, he felt a fleeting hope rise in his chest that maybe he could get to know his professor better. After realising exactly what Occlumency and Legilimency entailed, Harry started to dread his upcoming lessons.

If Snape ever found out that he shared some of his secrets with Harry, thinking he was talking to Lily, Harry did not want to think of the consequences.

That one night in the astronomy tower had broken the ice, so to speak, and Harry often found himself leaning against Severus when he was once again inhabiting Lily’s body. The closeness between the two did not feel strange or wrong to Harry but a bitterness began to set in when he realised that Severus was doing all of this with Lily, not Harry. He did not even know that Harry existed at the time!

Harry read through every book he could find on Occlumency. If he could not guard his mind from Snape’s intrusions, all hell would break loose.

That night, after many hours of studying meditation techniques, Harry fell asleep in his bed and woke up in Lily’s as so many times before. He quickly realised that something was different to the norm. Lily was fully dressed but seemed to have passed out on her bed from exhaustion. The unfamiliar constriction around his chest had Harry stumbling over to the bathroom to make sure that Lily had not done herself an injury.

Knowing on an intellectual level the difference between a boy and a girl’s body was not the same as experiencing it first-hand. In all the time that Harry had been sharing Lily’s body, he had never felt this before. Stripping off his shirt, Harry stared at himself in the mirror. Lily had grown into a beautiful woman and although Harry could appreciate her physique, he knew he would never think of her in a sexual way.

The bra that Lily was wearing was white and fit snugly to her developing breasts. Harry stared a bit longer, analysing the differences between Lily’s body and his own. He found himself wondering what girls’ underwear would feel like if he wore them in his own body. Would it fit as snugly as they did on Lily’s body?

Harry blushed a few minutes later as he realised he had been staring at his mother’s body for far longer than would ever be appropriate. His only consolation was that he did so in a very clinical, curious way, not a perverted or sexual way.

Deciding that he would find a way to obtain some woman’s underwear when he was back in his own body, Harry re-dressed and made his way out of the room. He ventured out into the hallways, hoping as always that he would find Severus and manage to spend some time with him.

Severus was once again waiting in the Astronomy tower and Harry happily sat down next to him, chattering a mile a minute about whatever nonsense came to mind.

An hour later, the two of them stood up to go their separate ways. Harry turned back as he rounded the corner, hoping to catch one last glance of Severus and found a pair of black eyes staring back at him with such emotion that Harry was left feeling breathless. “Good night Lily.” Severs said softly and Harry felt the words like a slap to the face. Lily…. Lily… Lily… It was and always would be Lily that Severus saw. There was no Harry in this lifetime, no Harry in Severus’ classes and no Harry visible through Lily’s eyes. Only ever Lily.

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With a choked “Good night”, Harry sped off towards the Gryffindor tower.

The next morning, Harry woke up to Ron’s boisterous voice encouraging him to get out of bed. The memory of Severus’ face, the longing and desire in his eyes for Lily Evans gripped Harry’s heart and he could only manage a grunt and a nod at Ron. Getting out of bed was harder than ever but somehow Harry managed it.

The day crept by at a slug’s pace and during Potions, Harry could barely manage to look at his professor. His Occlumency lessons were scheduled to commence that evening and Harry was scared to death. The books he read on the subject certainly helped but with no way to practice it against an actual mental attack, Harry had no idea if his shields would hold or not.

At a quarter to seven, Harry made his way through the corridors to Snape’s office. Straightening his robe and taking a deep breath, Harry knocked on the door just as his watch beeped the hour.

“Enter” Snape’s voice sounded from within and Harry opened the door with a shaky hand.

There was no greeting, no contemptuous insult flung his way. Nothing. Just an uneasy silence before Snape barked out: “Clear your mind, Potter.” Before Harry could even process the words, a spell was flung at him. “Legilimens!”

Scenes of his childhood flickered through his mind, Dudley chasing him, his aunt banging on his cupboard door, sitting on a smelly couch surrounded by Mrs Figg’s cats. Another memory started, one that Harry remembered clearly, it was the first time he met Severus and with all the will power he could muster, Harry forced himself to think of something else, to think of the Quidditch pitch, of flying through the air, free as a bird.

The next moment, Harry was back in Snape’s office, staring at his professor. Snape had a frown on his face and Harry prayed that he had managed to get the man out of his head before anything incriminating could be revealed.

“That was, surprisingly, a decent effort Mr Potter.”

Harry forced his jaw closed, not wanting to look like the idiot Snape always accused him of being.

“Let’s see if it was a fluke or not. Legilimens!”

Harry was just as ill prepared this time to fight the attack but he once again managed to re-direct his thoughts when they ventured into dangerous territory.

The evening progressed in the same vein and by half past eight, Harry was sporting a massive headache.

To his utter surprise, Snape handed him a headache reliever before sending him off to bed. “To my utter astonishment, you actually came to this lesson prepared so it is my duty to ensure that you continue to do so. Relieving you of your headache will, hopefully, encourage you to continue as you have.”

“Your next lesson is Thursday evening, do not be late!”

Harry turned around after being ushered out of the room but before he could form any kind of response, the door closed in his face.

With a tired sigh, Harry made his way up to his dormitory.

*------------------------------------------------------------------*

Harry felt his world crumbling around him as he left the headmaster’s office. Sirius was dead, lost forever in the veil of the dead.

Without conscious thought, Harry’s feet led him up to the astronomy tower. He had walked this path so many times as Lily that he had no problem getting there, even with his mind clouded as it was.

To his shock and horror, Snape was there, in the same spot that Harry had gotten used to seeing the young Severus.

The man’s head was down and Harry quietly turned around, not wanting to disturb his professor. He wasn’t quiet enough, however, and Snape’s censuring voice reached him before he could escape.

“After a year of private lessons with you, I thought that maybe you had inherited more from your mother than I first thought. I was mistaken. You are just like your father. Going out, looking for trouble and dragging your friends along with you. You don’t think of anyone but yourself. You don’t think of how your actions affect those around you, how your decisions impact other people’s lives. It is all just about you, just about Harry Potter, the boy-who-lived. Everyone should drop whatever they are doing when you speak because your word is the law! Just like James, just like your father.” 

The hate and censure in Snape’s voice almost brought Harry to tears. The past year, Harry had really gotten to know Severus during their late night talks in the Astronomy Tower. He knew that Severs and Snape were one and the same person but in situations like these, it became clear that the older Snape had many more harsh years behind him than young Severus did.

And now, three weeks after Severus stopped coming to their special meeting place when Harry was in the past, he not only lost Sirius, the only parental figure he had in this time, but now Snape was ripping his already tattered emotions to shreds.

“I… I didn’t mean for this to happen. It… I… This is not what I wanted. Si… Sirius is d… dead because of me. I didn’t want this. I love him! I didn’t want this to happen. I wanted to save him. To protect him!”

Tears that Harry was desperately trying to suppress pushed past his barriers. Tears of frustration, tears of sorrow, tears of overwhelming emotions that just couldn’t stay suppressed flowed down his cheeks and with his emotions in such a state, Harry couldn’t guard his mouth, his words.

“Must you hate me because I have my father's face? Why can't you love me because I have my mother's eyes?”

As soon as the words escaped, Harry clapped a hand over his mouth, eyes widening in horror at just what he had said, what he had revealed with those very descriptive words.

Knowing that he would be unable to bear anything more coming from Snape, Harry turned tail and ran out of the room, down the stairs and back to his common room. All the while thinking of what had been revealed due to his tremulous emotions.

_“Why can’t you love me… Love me… love me….”_ Never before had that word escaped Harry’s lips. As Lily, Harry often found himself telling his parents that he loved them, he even whispered it in the quiet of the night while thinking of his time spent with Severus. Never before had those words left his, Harry’s, mouth though. It always felt safer to speak those four letters while inhabiting Lily’s body.

They were out now though.

_What must Snape think of me now? Harry Potter, boy-who-lived, asking for love from his professor! Pathetic!_

_“I’m stronger than this. I can get through this. Just ignore whatever criticism he throws my way and continue on as I always have.”_ Harry’s little pep-talk to himself helped a bit and with renewed purpose, he made his way to his dormitory.

*---------------------------------------------------------------------*

_Sixth Year_

Harry found that Snape was much better at teaching Defence than he was at teaching Potions. He suspected it had a lot to do with patience and competence. With Potions, if you were incompetent, you posed a danger not only to yourself but to the whole class. With Defence, the only real danger was mispronounced spells or ambitious students going a bit too far. Snape was just as sarcastic and insulting in Defence as he had been in Potions but this time if he scared the students, it did not cause explosions or melting of cauldrons and desks.

One downside of having Snape teach Defence instead of Potions – a downside for Harry at least – was that Snape spoke about four times more than he did during Potions and his voice did things to Harry that it really shouldn’t. He explained offensive spells, the defence against them and even physically interacted with the students to correct their grips or wand movements. For most students, this was a very good thing because of the incompetence of their previous professors, for Harry though, this was pure torture. Having Snape so close and listening to him speak, Harry found himself with a constant hard-on.

With his new interest in woman’s underwear, Harry found it even harder to concentrate during Defence, feeling his lace panties rub against his erection led to some close calls.

After his half-confession at the end of the last semester, Harry had been avoiding Snape as far as possible and found it surprisingly easy, almost as if Snape was avoiding him just as much.

One thing that made it easier for Harry to NOT think of Snape, was his new purpose of finding out just what Draco Malfoy was up to. The other boy had been sneaking around the castle and Harry was determined to figure out what the little Death Eater in training was planning.

His trips to the past had been tapering down since June, when Severus stopped coming up to the Astronomy tower and Harry now knew the reason behind that. 

He had awoken in Lily’s body one night while she herself was still awake and found that she had made herself comfortable on a couch in the Gryffindor common room with some of her friends. This in itself wasn’t all that strange but since it was almost midnight, about an hour after Lily usually left to go find Severus, Harry became concerned. Lily always, always, went up to the Astronomy Tower for her secret meetings with Severus and to find her here, in the Common room with no intention of going to speak to Severus, Harry found himself mystified.

As the evening slowly passed and the minutes led to morning, one of Lily’s friends brought up the subject Harry was most interested in.

“You heard about what happened to that Snape boy, right?”

Harry perked up a bit and listened intently to what the girls were saying.

“Yes, I heard! James saved him, didn’t he?”

“I heard it was a wild bear from the forest that attacked him. Can you imagine James saving him from such a beast?”

“Oh, I heard it was a wolf, a massive wolf with jaws as big as a shark’s!”

“No, no, no! It was a Hippogriff! The beast almost scratched his eyes out!”

“What do you think Lily? You’ve gotten closer to Potter since that day, do you know what happened?”

Harry found himself looking at each of the girls, Lily obviously scrutinizing her friends and assessing how much she should tell them.

“It wasn’t a bear, a wolf or a Hippogriff. I can’t tell you exactly what happened but yes, James saved Snape, even knowing that Snape was heading down the wrong path, mixing with the wrong sort, he still saved him.”

Harry was floored at what Lily said. He knew that she valued Snape above any of her other friends. She loved him, how much exactly, Harry wasn’t sure, but she certainly did love him. To hear her now talking about how Snape was ‘going down the wrong path’ and mixing with the ‘wrong sort’, something just didn’t feel right.

After another ten minutes of discussing James’ virtues, Lily excused herself and exited the common room. For once, breaking curfew in front of all her friends.

Harry found himself deep in thought as Lily wandered the corridors. His musings were interrupted as Lily suddenly stopped and stared straight ahead. There was Snape, looking quite lost and alone, and as soon as he saw Lily, he took a hesitant step forward.

“I… Lily… I… I’m so sorry! I shouldn’t have called you that name. I’m really, truly sorry and I know I don’t deserve forgiveness but just know that I’m sorry and I never meant to hurt you. You know that I didn’t mean to call you that name, it just slipped out. And I am so terribly sorry. Please, just say something.”

Harry found his head spinning as he processed the words and finally figured out what had separated these lifelong friends. He was angry at Severus for calling Lily something so despicable but on the other hand, he was angry at Lily for abandoning her friend after one mistake. A friend that had stood by her for years and that any idiot could see loved her deeply.

Lily looked at Severus for another moment before she nodded and turned around, heading back to the Gryffindor tower.

Harry could see that Severus was relieved that Lily acknowledged him but he was also devastated that she did not outright forgive him and thus give their friendship another chance.

Thoughts of what really took place the night that James saved Severus, as well as what impact Lily’s rejection had on Severus, plagued Harry as he settled down for sleep. Some questions had been answered but some of the answers only posed new questions and concerns.

Just how much had Lily’s choices impacted Severus life? What would the man be like in Harry’s time if Lily had stuck by him instead of pushing him away? These were questions that would never be answered and Harry decided to leave the past where it was and focus on the future.

He had his answers now and he would move on from here and only look toward the future. No more focusing on the past and on what could have been, no more wishing for what was never really his, no more visiting a family that could never truly be his.

This was his life now. This was his future and he would make the most of it.  
*------------------------------------------------------------------*

Standing under his invisibility cloak, petrified to the spot by Dumbledore’s spell, Harry could do nothing but look on in horror at what was happening in front of him.

Finding Draco Malfoy crying in the girl’s bathroom had shaken Harry. Seeing his enemy, once such a strong and confidant opponent in such a state brought him to a stop. He had exited the bathroom as quickly and quietly as possible after finding his nemesis there and since then had been keeping an even closer eye on the boy, knowing that something big, something very bad was going on in his troubled mind.

Seeing him disarm Dumbledore, facing off against the headmaster with such determination floored Harry. There was a vulnerability to him still, though, and Harry could see why Dumbledore wanted to save the boy.

Chaos erupted around him as Snape and then other Death Eaters entered the tower but as Dumbledore looked at Severus, pleaded with him, Harry knew that he was the only one in that tower who really understood the meaning behind that plea.

Seeing only self-disgust in Snape’s eyes as he killed his mentor and friend, Harry felt his heart go out for the man. Snape truly thought he had no one left who believed in him. 

Harry fell to his knees once he was alone in the tower. He felt that part of him wanted to chase after Snape and confront him for what he did but a bigger part of him understood exactly what happened and knew that what Snape needed most right now was space and the opportunity to save Malfoy as well as himself.

His professors found him like that and accompanied him to the Gryffindor tower after grilling him about what happened. He wished that he could embellish the truth a bit; put Snape in a better light but the truth was that he did murder Dumbledore there in the tower. Harry could only hope that after Voldemort was finally defeated that Snape’s sentence would not be too severe and that the full truth would come to light.

With a heavy heart, Harry settled down in bed and to a troubled sleep.

*------------------------------------------------------------------*

_Seventh Year_

Being back at the Dursleys’ was difficult for Harry, especially after the decision he made of not returning to the past for an escape.

Ron and Hermione supporting him and standing by him as never before meant the world to him. The Horcrux hunt started on a slippery slope and only went downwards. It took months before something finally started going their way but when Harry saw the doe Patronus, he knew that Snape was once again looking after him.

The Gringotts incident as Harry secretly called it was nerve wrecking but it wasn’t nearly as bad as when they were in Malfoy manor and he had to watch as his friends got hurt. Losing Dobby was a harsh blow and Harry felt his heart and his confidence take a huge knock.

The worst moment of Harry’s life though, came when he found Snape in the Shrieking Shack, bleeding from Nagini’s bite. Finding a look of agonizing grief and remorse in Severus’ face, Harry knelt down by the man’s head and gently pulled him into his lap. Snape looked as if he was about to speak, whether to give a scathing remark about the vulnerable position Harry had placed him in or something else, Harry never found out.

“Don’t speak professor. We’ll help you. Save you. No… Don’t speak. No matter what you have to say, it is not worth your life. Keep your strength up.”

Luckily, Hermione came in at that moment and Harry thanked the starts that she was there because clearly she was the only one able to keep a level head.

Emptying Snape’s pockets, they found a purging potion along with a blood thickening potion, so after purging the poison of Nagini’s bite from Snape’s blood, they closed his wound with the blood thickening potion.

Harry’s emotions were all over the place. Almost losing Snape, before he could even begin to pursue any type of amiable relationship with the man, sent him over the edge. Snape would probably fry his ass after finding out what he was going to do but Harry just felt that he had enough.

Gathering all his stubborn pride, his courage and recklessness, Harry made his way to Voldemort, knowing that only one would come out the victor.

*------------------------------------------------------------------*

Harry knew, before he even faced Voldemort that he would die but he would make sure that he took Voldemort with him. The battle was fierce but as Harry had known, Voldemort had the upper hand and he soon found himself facing a bright green light with only one thought running through his mind. “I failed… I failed…. I failed…”

Waking up in a strange place was nothing new to Harry but coming face to face with the dead was completely new. He wasn’t sure what he expected, maybe Sirius… maybe nothing or no one… Maybe even Dumbledore… What he did not expect was Lily. His mother. Standing there and looking at him with such pride and joy that he couldn’t help but smile at her.

“Oh Harry. I am so proud of you. Of all you have done and of the way you stood by Severus, both now and in the past. Yes Harry, I know about your trips to the past. It was a huge shock when I first found out but I am so proud of what you have done and how you stood by him even when he did things that you didn’t agree with. This is something that I wish I had been mature enough to do myself, something that I regret every day I didn’t do.”

Harry hugged his mother tightly, something that he wished he could have grown up doing but now just thankful to have the opportunity to do.

“We don’t have much time Harry. You need to go back, go back and defeat Voldemort once and for all. This is not the end of the road for you, honey, this is only the beginning.”

Many questions ran through his mind about ‘How?’ and ‘Why?’ but Harry never got the chance to ask them.

Waking up, feeling grass and sticks poking into his back, Harry cracked his eyes open to find Narcissa Malfoy bending over him. Assuring her that Draco was alright, Harry watched as Narcissa lied to Voldemort with a straight face, telling him that Harry was dead.

It took all Harry had, not to let Hagrid know that he was alright, to not let on to the fact that he was not dead but very much alive still, despite having been hit by the Killing Curse.

He realised that the connection he had with Voldemort must have been a Horcrux, which explained why he survived, the killing curse rid him of the Horcrux and now the only thing standing in the way of killing Voldemort once and for all was Nagini.

Neville came through for him, beheading Nagini and ridding them of the last Horcrux standing in the way of killing Voldemort once and for all.

The surprise on Voldemort’s face as Harry faced him for the last time would forever fuel his Patronus charms in the future. The Battle of Hogwarts ended but with it came loss and grief and pain. Losing Fred was a blow but Harry knew that the Weasleys would all stick together and help each other through it.

Not wanting to intrude on any family moment with the Weasleys or anyone else, Harry made his way to the hospital wing, seating himself beside Snape’s bed and he fell asleep with his head resting on his arms right next to Snape’s head.

*----------------------------------------------------------------*

Harry opened his eyes to pools of ebony, staring at him with such emotion he had only ever seen during his journeys to the past.

“Lily…” Snape said softly and Harry felt his heart break into a million pieces.

Before he could scramble back though, Snape grabbed a hold of his arm and pulled him in again.

“Lily… I spoke to her… Saw her in my dreams and I saw and heard the truth. I see now that it was you in that Astronomy tower, leaning on my shoulder. You, who touched me deep and got me through tough times. It was you who asked for love just a year ago. I never understood where that came from, how you could ask something like that from me when I have hated you all these years. And yes, Mr Potter, I did hate you. I hated what you look like, hated that you have Lily’s eyes but Potter’s face. Hated that you resemble your father so much in looks and in attitude.”

The more Snape spoke, the less Harry knew how to react. Was Snape complimenting him or was he trying to cut him to shreds?

“You asked me to love you because you have your mother’s eyes. I cannot do that Mr Potter. I cannot love you for the same reason I loved Lily so much. Her eyes, lighting up whenever she smiled drew me to her like nothing else. To ask me now to love you for the same reason is just not possible.”

Harry gritted his teeth in order to contain the huge sob that wanted to escape.

“I am not a nice man Mr Potter. The Severus that you met in the past died a long time ago. I am a bitter, jealous man and I will tell you now that no one will ever be able to replace Lily. I am also a possessive man and what you want, what you need from me, I can give you. I can offer you the shoulder you leaned on in the Astronomy Tower, I can stand by you from now on and be what you need. But never, ever, ask me to love you because you have your mother’s eyes. If I should come to love you at all, it will be because of you, because of who you are and what we build together. Not because of a fantasy that you created when you got to know me in the past.”

Severus was truly gone, Harry realised. The boy he had come to love and respect was gone, chipped away by a harsh life and what was left was Snape. A man jaded by his past but still willing to do anything for the son of the woman he had always loved.

“Know this Mr Potter. If we are going to pursue a relationship, I will be the one taking care of you, not the other way around. I have learned to depend on myself and will not let anyone, not even you, take that away from me. You will be my partner, my consort, whatever I want you to be for me and I will take care of you, guide you through life and circumstance as I deem fit. If you agree to this relationship, there will be no one else, no boyfriend or girlfriend on the side. You and me, forever.”

Harry felt lost. He wasn’t sure if what he wanted was what Snape had to offer. He knew that he wanted someone who would take care of him, guide him through his choices and to always stand by him. Was Snape that person? Could he risk putting everything into this relationship, knowing that Snape may never love him the same way?

Whatever his choice was now, Harry knew that there would be no going back, no second chance. Whatever he decided now would forever shape him and the future that lay ahead.

 

_The End_


End file.
